Citizen Bee

It's so hard to buy jeans! Am I right?

2008-11-27T21:00:00.000-08:00

When I talked about jeans with a long-time friend, we determined we'd covered every possible topic and completed The Lap of Friendship (TLOF). And jeans are indeed an introductory topic! Everyone has issues buying jeans and have committed to a specific brands, and have jean-shopping strategies:

I cannot go to XX. I don't know how they make money because the jeans are abnormal and make me look weird.
I have to have all mine tailored!
I can only buy XX brand because my legs are too short/long/disproportionate.

People also think they are unique in the fact that they have problems buying jeans, so when the topic comes up with a new friend, it's an easy win. OMG, we both hate buying jeans!

I realize we need these types of things to relate to other people and in emergency cases when you feel awkward and need a go-to conversation... but really. Scaling back wouldn't hurt my feelings. Other safe, easy-win conversations include "I hate the cold, but I don't really mind it when I'm sleeping." This is also not unique. Let's all agree that sleeping cold is just fine, that's where we can save on the heating bill, and move on.

I think I'll go shopping tomorrow for "Black Friday" -- and I may just print off a bunch of these to exchange with the stores for Christmas presents. It's got all 8 legs, so I'm sure it won't be a problem.

Oh D-d-d-deeaar!

2008-10-08T19:49:00.000-07:00

Everyone! Stop saying you're scared! (Even you, Matt Damon). Maybe you are, and that's cool. But this has become the go-to whenever people have an opinion they want to impose, but not articulate.

"Well, what do you think about XX?"
"All I know is he/she just scares me."

Here are the best angled-from-below, make-you-look-scary photos I could find.

Ahhhh!! Run Matt Damon!!

Ahhhh!! Run Mom!!

I'm going to go hide under the covers. Or watch Rachel Maddow's "Talk me down" segment. Ha.

We've been violated. I think it's hilarious.

2008-08-17T18:43:00.000-07:00

You may wonder what this video is referring to.

It is so shocking, Brian wants to make a Rescue 911 video about it, complete with changed names to protect the innocent.

Someone has left their "drawers" behind the pillar in the parking area behind. They had an "accident" and decided that behind our condo was a good location to take care of it. It was even near our bedroom window. (EWWW!)

Anyway, now it's swarming with flies and we don't know what to do. Do we let the landscaping people get it? The landlord, the city? Instead, we may just stop parking there.

Coming soon: Brian's rescue 911 video.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?

2008-05-23T19:48:00.000-07:00

Ladies, you know you have. This is the man leering into your car from his truck. His truck with giant wheels that he bought just for leering. He is so easily identified that you don't even have to see him, you can catch him inching close to your car at the stoplight, or veering into your lane when driving alongside your car. The only forms of transportation leerers find acceptable are tractor trailers, pick-up trucks (preferably an American model), and white vans. Leerers also engage in leering behaviors when they are pedestrians.

While the exploration of leerer characteristics naturally leads us to the discussion of leerer motivation, that will ultimately gross me out, and we'll have to close shop. Let's move on to case studies.

1. One summer yea long ago, I put my passenger-side window down and approached a stoplight in the left-hand lane. Do not fall into this common pitfall. I was pretty much asking for it and take full responsibility for my victimization... something I learned from that time I exposed my ankles in the 1800s.

The man, who looked like this , begins with a "heeeeeey." I ignored him, and he continued, "Give me a smile! C'moooon, don't be a snob." Being new to the situation, I just ignored him.

What I should have done:
Yelled, "I'm 16!!" and rolled up the window.
I had power windows at the time--why didn't I roll up the window??? The only thing I can think of is... that I didn't want to be rude... Hahahahahahaha. I didn't want to be rude!

Clearly, as I have become a more seasoned lone driver, I can provide a more successful example from this past summer.

2. At a stoplight, a van pulls up next to me. The van is turning left. I could not initially confirm that I was being stared at, so I avoided looking to ensure that I didn't initiate leering by making eye contact first. Then their light turned green, and they didn't go, so I looked at the man, who looked like this , and pointed to the light.

He waved.

Then he realized his light was green and hopefully felt stupid for thinking I was waving to him. I also felt/feel superior. This scenario is the most successful leering experience you can have.

...Unless you ladies decide to write your phone number on the window with lipstick, and then you fall in love and live happily ever after. (Yes, that's what I'm telling myself these leerers are hoping for by staring at me).

My Canadian Twin

2008-03-28T15:09:00.000-07:00

Brian's whole family met someone on their Vegas trip,and she looked JUST LIKE ME, so they said. And her name just happened to be the same as mine. (Is that even true? I make things up sometimes..) They even took a picture of her. And when I saw it... she looked like Gretchen from Dawson's Creek, or maybe Sarah C. And I thought... perhaps when you see yourself every day, you know too much about what you look like to agree that someone kind of looks like you. Plus, you never see your profile--so you don't even have the full picture. She probably does look like me...

I was mistaken.

Apparently, somewhere in Canadaland right this moment, there is a girl who looks like me circa 2004. It's weirding me out! Here she is.

I have so many questions!!! How does she feel about looking the way we do?

Is she needlessly compelled to always be wearing eyeliner like me (It doesn't appear so)? Is our face better with the freckles or without? Are you pale with dark hair all year round because you are in Canada, and has anyone ever called you creepy because you have black hair and white-out skin? Are you tired of being call Snow White, and have you ever been Snow White for Halloween? When are those braces coming off?

There is so much advice to impart to my 2004 self! Does she know that side-bangs will do good things for her face? She needs to know! If her hair is naturally straight, I'm jealous. Maybe I should reach out to Perez, who posted this picture, to reunite...uh, unite...me and my Canadian twin.

Open Letter: People who like Superbad

2008-03-23T19:13:00.000-07:00

By "tomorrow" I meant "sometime next month." Anyway, I thought I should capitalize on my love for telling people what to do. Back in the day, I wrote letters to Kenner toys (but never sent them) to tell them how to improve their line of Littlest Pet Shops. They were ALLSOME, unlike current ones with googly-eyez like the Hoez dolls. Here they are in all their heyday.

I think I suggested they make a seal—huge mistake given that seals are like if teenage ninja mutation happened to a sardine. My entrepreneurial instincts kicked in at a young age, and it's about time I returned to my roots. So here is an open letter to all you out there who have inconceivably bad taste in movies.

Dear Superbad Fans:
It’s not JUST that you’re gross for enjoying this. It’s that you like things that are gross AND mindless. Inane. Stoooopid. Please admit now that the plot was horribly uninteresting. Depending on how long we’ve known each other, I like you between 20 and 50 percent less than before I knew you liked this movie. Yes, McLovin was funny. The cops were aright. At best, they're a decent SNL sketch, but wouldn't even make it as a repeating sketch. If you want your likeability points back, you’ll need to either (1)renege on your opinion of this movie or (2)say you like a movie that is coincidentally one of my favorite movies. But you can’t name something just because you’ve seen my movie posters.

Please contact me if you need to renegotiate our friendship. And in case that didn't make sense to y'all, let me Perez-it for you.

S'been so long!

2008-02-09T18:15:00.000-08:00

So much has happened! We moved to a cool place downtown! Pets! Christmas! New Years! New job! But let's not talk about that. Let's talk about the Journey Diamond Necklace and why I hate it.

The diamonds on this necklace go from small to big--to show how love has grown! Who buys this? I imagine it's the uncreative, trying-to-make-up-for-cheating-on-you guy that needs Kay Jewelers to tell him what to buy. Maybe I'll give one to my cat, where the diamonds go from small to big to small to big--to show how much I love him when he falls off the sofa and how much I don't when he gets his "I'm Lost" tag in the litter box. Gentlemen, don't buy this for v-day. It's expensive and not thoughtful.

I also want to share some things I overheard Christmas shopping this year:

In line at Target:
"Dude, like, until I met Kayla, I didn't realize how wrong I was about most things."

Walking to the theatre to see A Christmas Carol:
What time is it?
20 of.
20 of? 20 til.
20 of.
No, but it's 20 til.
It's 20 of.
Oh... oh. Ok.

In line at Best Buy, there was a women I like to call stands-too-close. When in a long line, I tend to go a little crazy and interalize. Kind of like I'm on Scrubs, drifting off and screaming inside. She's like 3/4 of an inch away from me, so I put my elbow out and kind of spin around. And then kind of pretend to stretch, so I can push her away for just a second. She finally left to argue with her ma about whether she should use the coupon or let her mom save it.
People! Lawd.

Tomorrow I'm going to make a post on the junk I buy, and perhaps will do that consistently. I do buy a lot of junk.

Heart Attecks

2007-12-11T13:14:00.000-08:00

Oh noes! Alex Trebek had a heart attek. I probably think that's funnier than it should be.

What a great guy. I know at least in MY story, Trebek was a great guy. When I was littler, I wrote a story about Alex Trebek going on vacation at a ski lodge, and Pat Sayjack was there with Vanna White. (Vanna is a 'with' kind of girl. She's not 'there.' She's with someone who IS there. I'm pretty sure she was wearing a sparkly dress in my story too. I bet she got some great pick-up lines in her day: You can turn my letters anytime!). I forget what they did, but I think they got snowed in. Awkward situations and crazy antics ensue!!!

But I digress. What I am here to say is that Virginia Tech gave me something for FREE.

Yeah. I know. In three in a half years, I've waited. And behold! the week before my grand exit I went to the bookstore and an anorexic-looking girl highlights my name off list and gives me this beauty:

Hmm... something rolled up. Shiny pin. Let's open it, shall we?

It is a free "honor sash." Which I did "earn" if you want to get technical, but I didn't have to give them money. And it was amazing. This honor they've given me is 4-inch wide ribbon that must be handled carefully (not because it is an honor, but because it tears easily). They wrote "you left hip" on the instructions, but my experience as a communication major tells me they meant "your." Look at that college degree put to good use! Methinks they was trying to test me.

Cat Shopping

2007-12-08T18:29:00.000-08:00

I've been scouring craigslist and petfinder in search of a cat that I can give food, give water, give shots, etc. When I think about it, I'm not really getting much out of the deal. I'm trading hundreds of dollars and risking destruction of property so I can have a dependent, pompous thing to lock in my house. I think I must like the power... all I expect in return for a lifetime of care is for it to be cute. That way I can tell people to "come and see the bay-bay!" and people will come and tell me how cute it is.

In my search, I came across this unfortunate guy:

He has a people-nose. A people-nose on his otherwise cute kitten face. It looks in relation to Luke and Owen Wilson, no? I would do him a favor and adopt his human-feline self, but then again, the givegivegive/lookcute balance would be all wrong. And there's a possibility that you are part human, in which case I do not have time to do the morning-show tour with you. I'm sure Robin Roberts would think you were quite the interesting segway to local weather! Sorry kitty! I'm sure the picture "doesn't do you justice."